There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
