I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i came on her dog
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She bit a glass in half.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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