I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
