they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
