sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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