My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
