new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
