Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
A bitchslap is in order.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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