My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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