This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i think i have two assholes
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
