Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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