Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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