What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
