Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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