he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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