cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
