Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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