so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
