Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
should my penis look like a turkey
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
