I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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