Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
