I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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