Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
where does the pee come out of this thing
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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