So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Sorry my hands just texted you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
