I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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