No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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