i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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