My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
