You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
