I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
