i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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