i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
