my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
wakey wakey hands off snakey
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
