I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
