So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
