i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
