The maid of honor just puked.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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