I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
