census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
