Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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