wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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