I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
