you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
