Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
