What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
