im drinking this country out of the recession.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
