we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
