Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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