I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
