omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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