I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
